The Protagonist of Your Own Life Story

     ‘Just be yourself’. That common piece of advice is parroted at us all the time. I know that sequence of words has come out of my mouth on more than one occasion. But, when you really take the time to consider the directive, it’s not very easy advice to follow.  I mean, in order to ‘be yourself you first have to know who you are at your core, and that’s not always an easy feat.

     Your core is much more than your personality and your achievements. It’s not your intelligence, or your temperament. The core of who you are as a person is your character. Character is the binding which holds together your entire self; it’s the heart and soul of the individual who is you. Character supports the rest of our identities. It gives connotation to our perspectives and gravity to our personalities. Your character enables you to be the protagonist of your own life story. Remove the key values that comprise a person’s character, and the individual is effectively lost, and their story falters.

     I know, it sounds dramatic; like one of those tragic situations that nobody ever believes can happen to them. Unlike a sudden, life-altering accident, damage to your character is often more subtle. A slow whittling away of convictions that were once obvious and vital to how life was lived. You need to have a clear understanding of who it is you want to be as a person. Outline your values. Create a vision of how those values should infuse your actions so that you can be that person. Aligning your behaviors with your values will spur growth in your relationships, happiness and self-concept.

     Finding a starting point can be tough. Don’t struggle, begin here: Grab a pen and jot down your answers to the following questions.

1. Think about who you admire. What do you admire about that person and why?
2. Consider your child(ren), or future kids. What kind of person do you hope they see you as?
3. You are a fly on the wall of a room which holds all of your favorite people. What are they saying about you?
4. What would you want said about who you were in a eulogy at your own funeral?

     Your answers will serve as inspiration for identifying which personal values you should start focusing on to solidify those areas of your character. With your answers written in front of you, consider where your life is right now in relation to that person you want to be. Do you like what you see? If you do, that’s great! It means that you have a firm understanding of your core values, and your behaviors most likely re-affirm those values, which is ideal.

     If not, don’t stress! Taking this opportunity to identify room for improvement means that you’re putting in effort. The fact that you’re putting effort into identifying your values means that you are growing as a person. Take time to recognize and celebrate that growth. It’s kind of a big deal. Reproaching yourself for the distance between where you are now and where you want to be is counterproductive, and, honestly, not worth your energy. Instead of mentally beating yourself up, take another look at the values on your list. Rank the listed values based on how readily apparent those values are in your daily actions. Select one or two of the values at the bottom of your list to start developing.

     If you’re still at a loss as to deciding which values to start developing, read on! The following are just a few core value sets that resonate with most people. Try reinforcing these values with daily behaviors.

1) Respect/Self-respect: Do you recognize and appreciate the worth of other people? What about yourself? Showing respect means that you consider the feelings and well-being of people before you speak or act. Respect is an essential, basic unifying thread between all human kind. Constructive communication is impossible without respect. Showing respect to others opens us up to receiving respect in return.  At the heart of respecting others is self-respect. Only when you are able to identify and appreciate your personal strengths and vulnerabilities are you able to truly respect and value the differences between yourself and other people. The Golden Rule may have fallen by the wayside when it comes to moral politics, but it still rings true when it comes to respect: Treat others as you want to be treated. This rule can be applied to the self as easily as it is applied to other. Take time to focus on loving and respecting yourself, because when we respect ourselves treating others with respect becomes second nature. Always try to ask yourself: ’What could happen if I do this?’, and let your answers guide your actions.

2) Honesty/Trustworthiness: Are you genuine, real, and true in your words and actions? Meaning what you say, and saying what you mean, then backing those words up with actions, is the essence of being an honest and trustworthy person. Honesty gives us the ability to trust, and be trusted by, others. Without trust, credibility is limited, and all relationships are negatively effected. Without honesty there is no foundation to build relationships on. The solution is simple: Fall in love with truth. Love truth more than you love being right; don’t pretend to know things you don’t know. Let your love for the truth overpower your fear of “the consequences of telling it.” If you’re more likely to tell people what they want to hear than expressing your authentic self, it may be time to consider focusing effort behind being more honest. Please consider that a tendency to stretch the truth, or double-talk your way out of telling the whole truth, can be hurting the people around you.

3) Courage/Confidence: When you’re faced with adversity, are you able to take action to move yourself beyond your fears and inhibitions? At times, we are all encouraged to follow the crowd.  In doing so, we run the risk of compromising our standards and values. Courage gives us the emotional and mental preparedness to challenge issues that arise from following the crowd. Exercising courageous actions builds confidence in our abilities to stay true to ourselves. In standing up for yourself – whether it be to raise a difficult issue, provide tough feedback, or to voice an unpopular opinion – you are also lending courage and confidence to those around you. Even when other’s don’t, standing up for what is right should be a priority. 

4) Responsibility/Commitment: Do your roles in life accurately reflect the achievements you strive to accomplish? Mistakes are part of the learning experience. They are also unavoidable. And, are likely to be at the root of why people avoid new commitments and taking responsibility. However, the realization that you have the ability to choose your response to any situation, even when the events that cause the situation are out of your control, is very powerful.  Owning your responses, without laying blame or passing judgement,  makes it easier to commit to roles with higher responsibility. Commitment gives us the focus and determination to follow-through with our responsibilities and learn from any unfortunate circumstances that arise. Put enthusiasm and hard work into your goals, and make it known that you are doing your best. Accomplishment, success, and personal growth will follow.

5) Empathy/Compassion/Forgiveness:< Are you able to understand the perspective and emotions of other people? The ability to empathize with others is another unifying trait of human beings. When this empathy is coupled with a desire and intentions to help and support the person experiencing hardship, feelings of compassion arise. Learning to step outside of your comfort zone with the intention of helping others is a process that changes your life. It expands your worldview and fosters understanding between people despite personal differences. Because of empathy and compassion, we are able to offer kindnesses. This extends to allowing fault and imperfection both in ourselves and in others through forgiveness. 

     In any well written novel, the protagonist centers the story; they are responsible for defining the plot and moving the story forward. This is only accomplished through making decisions and taking action. The same is true of you in your life. You must determine whether your story is a comedy full of humility, humor, and passion, or one of tragedy, your character a victim of circumstance. We will all face unplanned challenges. This fact emphasizes the need to understand our core values, as they are pivotal to our ability to make effective decisions about our actions. Setting goals and putting effort into developing and honing core values adds substance and support to not only our individual life stories, but the collective tale of humanity.