Regardless of if you’re scrolling through your Newsfeed, or skimming another top 10 list, odds are that even if you’re not speaking out loud, you’re still hearing your voice say words. It’s internal speech, another oddity of the human brain. Most of the time your inner monologue simply exists in your head, helping you make decisions and commenting on your life experiences. That is, until there’s cause to be critical of yourself.
Everyone is familiar with their own inner critic. That aggressive little Gremlin that explodes into your mind the second those succulent morsels of self-doubt and worry are gobbled up. Fear of the devastation caused by making your mistakes shoots up your spine as those thick emotions slide, icily down your throat. They sink to the pit of your stomach as negative self-talk reverberates around the inside of your skull, reinforcing the doubt, increasing the worry.
It can be a stressful cycle to fall into. One that I’m personally familiar with. I have spent far too much time listening to that internal voice. The one that tells us where we are falling short. It whispers that we didn’t do something well enough, that someone else could do it better. We make ourselves believe that our feelings are foolish, that we blowing things out of proportion. We internalize messages that tell us we are ugly, stupid, and/or fat. That voice is there every time you deviate from the social standards we are conditioned to accept as normal. This cycle is damaging. It hampers your desire and motivation to achieve the accomplishments you strive to reach. That is, until you do something to make your inner critic stop working against you.
Emotion gets a bad rap for a number of reasons. Amy Morin published an article Monday detailing 8 Myths About Emotions That Are Holding Us Back on Psychology Today. The gist of which is that there are barriers to understanding emotions, some which exist within our culture specifically, that prevent us from reaching our greatest potentials. She explains that there is a general distaste for, and near aversion to, dealing with emotions. Her observation is that we are never truly educated about them. Rather, we experience social conditioning which tells us which emotions are appropriate at specific times, and how emotions are supposed to be managed.
In other words, since not understanding how to deal with emotions makes us feel icky inside, we never learn how to effectively deal with emotion in a productive way. Emotion isn’t something that can be ignored. Please, repeat after me: Emotional Regulation is a LEARNED SKILL. What society, through personal role models and conditioning, has been teaching us has left huge gaps in what we view as the truth about emotion. It has also negatively impacted how we deal with feelings. This is true not only in your external relationships, but in your own head, as well. It is from the lack in understanding of how to adequately deal with emotion that the Inner Critic is born.
Jane Shure, PhD, LCSW is well known for her expertise in self-esteem, trauma, shame, and eating disorders. She explains thoroughly here:
“Ironically, the Inner Critic actually developed as an attempt to minimize pain and maximize feelings of safety and security. In early childhood we need to believe that our parents and caretakers are loving, responsible and hold our best interests at heart. We are completely dependent on them. As youngsters, we have no way of comprehending the real stressors facing adults, the emotional limitations people bring to their caregiver role and the emotional baggage that gets transferred from dysfunctional extended family patterns.
As an example, if a mother is depressed and unavailable to meet her child’s needs, that child will feel too vulnerable to conclude that the mom is, in fact, inadequate. Instead the child will think “I’m too needy,” or “I don’t deserve the attention I want.” The Inner Critic’s voice steps in to say, “It must be my fault” rather than assess that the parent is compromised.
We maintain a myth that the Inner Critic holds our best interests at heart, that it wants to “improve” us and help us to feel more adequate. Many of us believe that we would never motivate ourselves to achieve if we didn’t put ourselves down or get angry in response to disappointments. We may even believe our Inner Critic’s threats and feel scared that bad things might happen if we don’t listen to its blaming and shaming voice.
These beliefs are myths. They are held by stories that we told ourselves a long time ago. Those stories got shaped by distorted ideas that held us responsible, and at fault, for circumstances beyond our control. They have been strengthened by the Inner Critic’s inability to perceive the inevitable complexities of life.”
Emotions have been shown to influence attention, decision-making, memory, physiological responses, and social interactions. They originate in regions of the brain specific to individual emotions, and are often accompanied by physiological, bodily responses. Anger quickens the pulse, sadness brings a tear, anxiety causes perspiration, you know what I’m talking about, just think about the last time you had a strong emotional response to something.
Take a minute to consider the following:
-When your feelings get hurt, do you lash out in anger at the person who hurt you?
-Do you become sad and disheartened when things don’t go your way?
-If you find yourself in a situation that is out of your control, do you become anxious or stressed?
-Do you get irritable when someone doesn’t do what you want?
These aren’t uncommon occurrences. We all have limits and we all fly off the handle sometimes. And, since these are behaviors that are commonly modeled to us, first as children interacting with parents, and then frequently repeated and reinforced through our life experiences, these are often the default responses of people who have reached their personal limits and don’t know what to do next.
If you’ve ever been to your breaking point, you probably understand why everyone should be educated about understanding how to overcome the reactive emotional responses of our lizard brains. If you haven’t, I’m going to explain, anyway. Thinking is controlled by hardwired connections in the brain. Neural networks are literal pathways connecting thoughts and feelings that are associated throughout your memories. This means that the more exposure to negative emotions like pain, fear, or helplessness a person experiences early in life, the stronger the neural connections between these emotions and their responses become, which increases the likelihood of feeling anxiety and stress.
This anxiety and stress can prevent us from being able to learn how to regulate emotion. They also give more control to the Inner Critic. Those same neural pathways that connect your fears to your behaviors also influence the dialogue between different parts of your own mind. Meaning that stress and anxiety trigger the Inner Critic. The Inner Critic then reinforces feelings of anxiety and stress, which then further prevents us from being able to process and regulate emotions.
Unfortunately, when we are continually disapproved of by family members, educators, or peers, their harsh messages are internalized as the repetitious pattern of our Inner Critic’s ranting. Again, Dr. Shure writes “As human beings, we tend to believe that everything that goes on in our mind is valuable and accurate. This is not true. Our Inner Critic is not the keeper of the truth, it is simply an internal voice that pulls for our attention. The more we listen to it, the more we strengthen it and subject ourselves to its harmful force.”
Learning emotional regulation gives us the ability to make sure we are actually putting thought and substance into reflective responses. This reflection takes into account more than just immediate feelings, which are generally impulsive, and allow for consideration of things like relationships and long-term goals before giving an automatic response. Reflection helps you to process WHAT you are feeling and WHY you are experiencing those emotions. It also gives you the ability to question your natural feelings and develop a desire to feel emotions other than what arises naturally. It allows you to develop emotional freedom. It’s a way to tame your Gremlin.
Thankfully, there are a number of strategies which strengthen emotional regulation skills. These can be used to help you start to notice your emotions, understand your emotional state, and how your emotions affect your behavior. Through this process of self-reflection, over time, a new neural network will develop which supports your wellbeing and self-esteem.
My Gremlin, whom I now affectionately refer to as Mouse – a hat-tip to Harry Dresden and Jim Butcher, did not appear over night. And I know I can’t expect to get my inner critic to heel in any less time. When we begin to withhold self-criticisms, substituting encouraging language in our minds, it can be uncomfortable. Practice and training are needed so that we can learn how to tolerate, and eventually move beyond, that discomfort. Push beyond the discomfort with the intention of seeking emotional freedom.
Here are some ideas that my prove useful in reclaiming your relationship with emotions by helping you to tame your Inner Critic:
1) Be aware of when and how your Gremlin is gnawing at you. If you start keeping a journal and write down its words, you’ll notice its patterns.
2) Look for your truth to discredit your Gremlin’s lies.
3) Identify your Gremlin’s food source. Where are the roots of its messages?
3) Stop negative self-talk. When your Gremlin starts howling, literally say ’stop’.
4) Don’t comparing yourself with others.
5) Recognize when you over generalize. One fact or event does not make a general rule.
6) Erase “should” and “shouldn’t” from your vocabulary. These words encourage shame and doubt while rarely providing benefit.
7) Swap realistic statements for self-critical ones; practice self-compassion.
8) Find a positive mantra, and keep it running through your head.
9) Patients is a stepping stone to wisdom. .. I stole that one from Merlin, it seems pretty on point: Be patient with yourself.
10) Seek help when it is needed. Talking things through with others can be helpful.
Using these tips during mental interactions with yourself gets you in the habit of thinking about how you feel. They help you to realize how negative self-talk keeps you from being able to see who you really are as a person, because the distorted, unreliable views of your Inner Critic prevent you from having a good sense of self worth. Establishing habits of emotional regulation helps you to develop an awareness and understanding of your emotions. Increased emotional self-awareness is essential to building mental strength and achieving your success.